The longer it went on the more I prayed and the more dependent on God I became. Even if it was just to bang my fists against his chest and shout at him for not making it happen quicker. But that’s just because I am so godly and patient!

Then it all just happened. Suddenly. One minute it’s not happening, the next I am literally running up and down the high street in Southampton getting documents signed by lawyers and bankers drafts from banks to lawyers and then keys from agents.

It has felt as though I have been pretty much running ever since then. Crazy! Fix the roof; fix the boiler; electricity on; gas on; water on; alarm reset; rubbish cleared out; shelves up; move stuff over; clean the place; cut keys; cut keys again because they were done wrong in the first place; buy stuff etc. etc.

In the midst of it, in the rare moments where I can think, I remember that it was Jesus’ idea in the first place, and that in the middle of the “stuff” it is so easy to lose sight of him. Often, people talk about how busy they are as some kind of badge to say how important they must be. Or maybe that is just me? Honestly, I think this is the opposite of the values of the kingdom. I think that when I feel the most busy, it is when I am least focussed on Jesus.

We have a race to run. Ours (Southampton Vineyard) seems to have taken us (as least for the moment) to a shop front in Bitterne Triangle, but if I fix my eyes on the shop front and not on the author and perfector of my faith then I am seriously going to get lost.

We’re nearly ready now. It can so easily feel as though you’ve reached the end of the race, when all that has happened is that you’ve made it to the starting blocks. The scariest thing now is that we actually have to deliver. We can all talk a good race. I’m great at that – talking – but what about the doing.

So, what am I looking at? The Old Chemist? The jobs that need doing? What we’ve achieved? The exciting ideas? Or Jesus – you know, the one who had the idea (in this case the Old Chemist, but for you, please slot in the appropriate words) in the first place.

Something in me just keeps nagging that if I’d kept my eyes fixed on him throughout this entire process then the whole thing may just have been a LOT more fun and a LOT less stressful. I am sure that my stubbornness will prevent me from learning from this, but it would be good if I did though.

Hmmm.

A few weeks ago we went to New Wine and someone there was talking about an interview that Rick Warren gave. He was talking about the year when his book sold millions and was an amazing success, but at the same time his wife got cancer and was not miraculously healed, despite being prayed for. He said that he no longer thought of life as being good times and then bad times, in a sort of hilly road towards old age, but more as two rail tracks – one being good things and the other bad things, both happening at the same time. It is our choice and challenge to not focus on more of those rails to the exclusion of the other.

He also said that he thought that our lives were a series of problems: “either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one” he said cheerfully. God uses these problems to change us to be more like Jesus – “God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy”, more interested in developing your character than making you comfortable.

It made me think about my perspective on the events of each day. When things are frustrating, is this an opportunity for me to learn patience?

It also made me think about what Jesus promises in John 16, where he says that whatever we ask the Father in his name we shall receive. When we ask in Jesus name, it means asking in his character, asking as if we were Jesus. So we will get what we ask for if it is what Jesus would ask for us. What would Jesus want us to ask for? In the context of John he has just been talking about disciples loving one another, so that is one thing straight off. And if a disciple is meant to become like his master, then we should not just be asking for love, but compassion, the ability to forgive and everything else that Jesus showed us.

And that made me reflect on my prayers – how often do I pray for God to change me, and how often to I ask God to change my circumstances? I am certainly not saying that we should not ask God to intervene in the situations we find ourselves in, and it is true that he will answer some of those prayers in his grace. But I find myself thinking that I should also be talking to God and praying for help changing me inside, so that I become more like Jesus quicker rather than more comfortable.

But we are Christians, so that kind of love should be easy! After all, Jesus modelled that for us, didn’t he? He died for us. We know that and so it is easy for us to respond to that in love.

Isn’t it?

Love – agape – its a BIG word. So big that it means that we just cannot carry on the way that we were. It means that others are always, always, always more important than I am.
Yeah, but I am really comfortable. I’m settled. I have a nice group of like-minded friends around me and I’m happy like that.

I wonder.

What about the others? You know, “them”*. The one’s who aren’t in your circle and, frankly, if they were then your circle would not be so much fun anymore.
Is it possible to be defined by love and not include “them”.
Things have changed. We used to be content in our little homogenous group – we even did things for “them” – bought food; clothes; helped – went out of our way.

But then God stuck his ore in, and messed everything up. I’m not sure we can be like we were anymore.
Actually, I am not sure we ever could, really.

I used to think that I was meant to plant a church like the one that I would like to come to – in terms of teaching about meetings and music and infrastructure etc. But then, what about people who are not like me? What about those who have not had the benefits that I have had? You know, the people with whom Jesus spent all his time?

We’re meant to be defined by love. If we are, then “they” have to be in the middle of it, because Jesus spent his life surrounded by “them” and he is our model for “love”.

Isn’t he?

The mystery of the church should be that there are so many different people with different backgrounds and different experiences from all demographics all living together in genuine unity and love. So, we need to change. We cannot carry on in a way that excludes anyone. Not in our Sunday meetings, our housegroups or our friendship groups. We’ll have to break out of our stereotypes, get to know people not like us, change the way we do things and realise that this is the way that it is meant to be this way. Because that is what Jesus was like.

Man, its hard being a Christian sometimes!

*technical term for people not like us

I wondered if the reverse would be true? If I went out of my way to look for examples of unkindness -  would I be overwhelmed by how mean everyone around me is? I think so. I decided (very late last night) that what I choose to focus on,  I see.

So I am reflecting on this verse this week because choosing to ‘think about’ the kindness and the lovely things in life inspires me to want to be kinder and lovelier.  I’m sure the same is true of  the noble, right, pure, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things. But I’m saving those for next week.

^“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ” (Phil 4 v8 )

We saw some amazing changes in people and a good number of healings taking place.  According to the database that I have kept since then, 40 healings involving people from our church either praying for people or being prayed for.  Now, some of those have gone on to show no further problems, some of them are “partially” healed and some of them seem to have gone back to how they were.  Still, its exciting.

The problem is that actually, at the end of September, we’d seen 35 healings and since then, only 5.  Hmmm.  So what’s that about then?  Is God on holiday?  Has the moment (Or to use Christian jargon- the “season”) passed? 

Or maybe, just maybe, we’re not praying for people so much…

Or at all?

Its definately the same God.  I checked in my Bible.  He definately still heals. and He definately told us to do the same.  I checked that too.

I have to confess, I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm (or expectation, or faith) for it.  Last July, I felt quite afronted if someone was not healed, whereas now it takes something to muster the energy to even try.

In Lakeland, he told me to pray for 100 people to be healed.  In my wildest dreams, I hoped to have seen ten of them healed.  But I didn’t.  I saw 27 of them healed.

Why did I stop?  Why did we stop?

Good question.

Here’s a challenge.  Make a commitment in your heart and before God to pray for the next ten sick people who you encounter.  At home, at work, at play, on the streets.  Then tell us the stories because that will surely build our faith/expectation/enthusiasm.

Go on.  I dare you!  I’ll do it too.

He thought it’d be nice if we no longer had to edit web pages to give you our ruminations, so he installed some proper blogging software. What’s more, this new-fangled wizardry enables you to leave comments on our thoughts – a dangerous prospect if ever I heard one.

You can also (if you’re so inclined) subscribe to the blog using RSS – so you can be sure you won’t miss out on any of the wisdom that will pour forth.

Since Matthew has forced usernames and passwords into the sticky mitts of all the members of the leadership team, you might find posts coming from a range of people… watch this space.

But, all this week, something has been rattling round my head. The one question that just will not go away.

Just think.

Just imagine.

What if?

What if we, as followers of Jesus throughout the western world, lived like this all the time?

What if we really did not buy into Babylon?

What if we chose to live in a way that flies in the face of our greed-driven culture?

What if we modelled a way of life that is possible and is radical and the world could see this?

What if?

What if we even just met somewhere “in the middle”.

I am not sure “what if”, but I am pretty sure that the church would truly be an amazing power for good in the world and the world would surely be a different place.

A better place.

Much, much better.

This equates to £23,400 that people have chosen to not put into savings and not spend on themselves (on top of normal giving) , in favour of giving it those who are in need.

This equates to people choosing to humble themselves and question whether “privilege” is a “right”.

This equates to people making sacrifices in the way that they live their lives in order to identify with those who do not have this choice.

This is the spirit of jubilee.

This is the kind of church that I want to be part of!

I have not spoken to anyone who has not really questioned their financial habits as a result of this month. I know that we will be living differently as a result. Some people have even taken the radical step of choosing to continue with it. That’s when it becomes Mad March!

It has made us think about how much we just spend and not even think about it. It has made us wonder why we buy some of the things that we do. It has made us think about why we are not paying off mortgages much quicker and giving away much more.

So, in summary, in my humble opinion, even though my son poured blackcurrant squash ALL over the white sofa and even though I hammered a nail through one of the heating pipes, Fab Feb was, indeed, fab.

Do it again?

Watch this space.

Sorry about that. You know. Christmas, small children, trips to Zimbabwe and Pastor’s conferences and all that jazz.

Anyway, I am here now so I need to think of something significant to say.

Hmmm.

Well, I feel like God’s been on my case this last week or so. Something happened to me at the Vineyard Leaders’ conference and it has scarred me.

In a good way.

God just convicted me. I have spent some time saying sorry to people and dealing with issues of unforgiveness. I gotta tell you. I feel a WHOLE lot better for it.

I got fed up with being angry with people. I got fed up with decisions that I was making being guided by issues that I had or “stuff”.

I don’t feel angry anymore.

Actually, let me rephrase that. I feel really angry that we live in a world where children starve to death and where people’s love of money and oil and gold leads then to kill and torture and destroy and consume. I feel livid that people go to bed hungry while we throw away food. I feel enraged that the church in the west is still focussed on getting meetings right whilst the one’s who Jesus came for are still hungry and lonely and marginalised and broken.

So, yes, I do feel angry.

But I think that I am supposed to feel angry about those things. Assuming that this anger leads to the kind of revolution that Jesus wants.

I just don’t feel angry with people who have hurt me anymore. I am not clinging on to some twisted sense of justice whereby I want them to fail so I can be proved right.

I feel like a weight has gone off my shoulders.

Its much nicer being friends with people.

I like that feeling. I think I might stick with it.

So. Now I want to keep short accounts, which is Christian for, I want to deal with things straight away now – forgive, ask forgiveness. Let go.

You know, like Jesus said.

Honestly?  I really do not know!

Anyone who saw the news last week could not have missed the stuff about baby P.  How can anyone do that to a 17-month old child?  How can a human being be capable of such incredible evil?  How can we live in a world where things like this can happen?  My youngest son is 17-months old.  I have been holding him that much tighter, kissing him that much more often and appreciating all his crazy little “characteristics” so much more, for the last week or so.  How can anyone be capable of that?  How could it happen?

I cannot begin to comprehend what kind of person is capable of this.  Or what kind of life could shape a person to be capable of this.  There is a saying, “hurt people hurt people”.  How much hurt makes someone do that?!

The only thing that I do know is that our God has called us to be salt and light.  He has sent us to the broken-hearted; to heal the sick; to set the captives free.

We just cannot do nothing.

We just cannot sit in meetings singing “Jesus is my boyfriend” songs and do nothing.

We have to do something.

We have to.

We have to go to the broken-hearted and let God heal them.

That broken-hearted person who gets healed may just be the one who was going to turn into the person who tortures to death a 17-month-old child.

So, you see, Jubilee has to work.  It just has to.  Otherwise what is the point?  What are we doing?

There’s a line from a Bruce Cockburn song, that U2 nicked – “I’m gonna kick the darkness til it bleeds daylight!”

Underneath everything; that is what jubilee is really about.